“This Is A ‘Special Military Fallback’ Not A Pathetic Retreat”

VLADIMIR PUTIN has confirmed the clear evidence Russian troops have surrendered territory around Kyiv and lost Irpin as they flee back towards the Belarusian border is not a pathetic and embarrassing retreat which makes him look like clueless and inept but rather a ‘special military fallback’.

“Just like our ‘special military operation’ is not an illegal war, this ‘special military fallback’ is not a sad, chastening retreat born out of the incompetence of myself and my inner circle,” Putin confirmed, to loud and enthusiastic applause from Kremlin staff.

“No piece of Ukrainian territory has been ‘taken back’ by Ukraine rather it has been generously gifted by the Russian army,” added Putin, who has taken to calling Russian casualties in the war ‘pre-planned population reduction measures’.

Putin’s words come as he pledged to dramatically reduce Russian military activity in Kyiv as progress was being made in ceasefire talks.

“While we don’t trust a single word, it appears we don’t need Putin’s help in that regard as we’re already dramatically reducing the Russian military full stop,” said one Ukrainian official.

Elsewhere, Russian has confirmed they would continue to refer to the bombing, killing and starving out of the residents of the city of Mariupol as ‘peacekeeping efforts’ and forced removal of Ukrainian citizens to Russia as ‘a holiday’.

Meanwhile, Russian state media appreciated Putin’s update on the ‘special military panic reverse’ but really just wanted to know what he made of Will Smith’s Instagram apology.