Expelled Russian Spies Were Trying To Steal Fig Rolls Secret

FURTHER explaining the reasoning behind the decision to expel four Russian embassy officials, Minister for Defence Simon Coveney said that the good for nothing scoundrels had been caught scaling the wall of a Jacobs production facility in the search for answers to how the biscuit maker gets the figs into fig rolls.

“Running an extensive and highly illegal spying operation – that we could forgive, turn a blind eye to even, but fig roll production is a valuable State secret that no foreign power is allowed get their hands on,” explained Coveney, before spitting on the ground and simply adding ‘the bastards’.

Further monitoring of Russian embassy activity revealed that several officials were also found to be single pouring Guinness with a massive head, choosing Walkers crisps over Tayto, not breaking red lights, pronouncing scone ‘scone’ and other actions not in keeping with remaining a harmonious and benign diplomatic presence in Ireland.

WWN’s security analysts have been able to translate the Irish government’s statement from polite diplomatic niceties into a more direct and honest ‘call out’.

The official statement of “This afternoon, the Department of Foreign Affairs summoned the Russian Ambassador to Iveagh House to advise him that four senior officials have been asked to leave the State” becomes:

“See your lads Yuri, there in the Embassy acting the bollocks – youse want throwing out the way you’re carrying on. Taking the piss ye are, ye dirty little pricks. What’s that? You don’t want to? Tough fucking luck, time to Moscow. Spying is it? I spy with my little something beginning with gerrup the yard ye dirty pups and fuck off now like good lads. And actually, let the door smack the arse off you on the way out.”