Missing Irish Singer Songwriter Found Up His Own Hole

A LOCAL singer songwriter who has been missing since 2019 has been found safely up his own hole, WWN can confirm.

Famed for his whiny, self-indulgent material, rescuers freed Waterford musician Mark Rogerson from the confines of his own bowels after becoming lodged up there for the past 3 years.

It is understood that the 37-year-old’s arsehole just opened up one day, curling in on itself and quickly engulfing Rogerson, his backing singers and his entire clique of better-than-you musicians.

“The whole 10-piece band were up there when we found Mark whimpering his latest contribution to song,” rescuer David Larch told WWN, “they were all so consumed by their own self-importance that they had no idea they were trapped in the lead singer’s lower colon for the past 37 months”.

The rescue operation was launched when fans failed to see Rogerson’s name in the small font part of the Electric Picnic line-up, prompting several doses to contact emergency services.

“I dunno what we’d do without Mark’s unique melancholy style,” stated long-time fan, vegan and unemployed arts student Carla Dunne, “I can’t wait to now don my knitted poncho and fawn over Mark’s misery-based songs centred around his own dysfunctional relationships with women who were just simply sick of his self-deprecating bullshit and constant need for reassurance”.

So far this year over 23 Irish singer songwriters have been rescued from their own holes.