Ireland Puts Guinness Fart Deterrent Forces On Standby

THE DEPARTMENT of Defence has confirmed it has put its Guinness fart deterrent forces (GFDF) on standby following Vladimir Putin’s latest nuclear threat, WWN reports.

Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney stated the new measures will see hundreds of the country’s best Guinness drinkers being positioned at key strategic points around the island in a bid to deter any foreign invasion on Irish shores.

With their arses to the wind, the heavy-set heroes manned their positions this morning with a constant convoy of Guinness pints in supply, some stopping briefly to whip down their trousers down in a show of force.

“God help anyone who even dares try landing here,” shared 57-year-old farmer and human Guinness container, Martin Tobin from Tipperary, “I’ll let her rip the second I see a Russian flag and it won’t be fucking pretty”.

The Foreign Affairs minister added that a fleet of disgruntled fishermen will also be on call as a second defence, sparking some fears here that Ireland has gone too far.

“I’m just worried these measures will only enrage Putin,” MEP Mick Wallace stated with his mouth, “if we’re going to deploy our GFDFs then we need them to also man Shannon airport,” he added, donning a pink camouflaged Russian uniform before boarding a train to Belarus.