Nutritionists Advise Eating Whatever You Like, We’re All Fucked Anyway


STILL sticking to your new year diet? Well, a new study has shown that it doesn’t really matter anymore, so you can go ahead and continue to eat like an animal for all the difference it makes.

The paper, titled ‘The Onset Of A Global Shutdown & Why Your Diet Just Means A Lighter Coffin To Carry’, has struck a chord with the majority of humanity, most of whom are happy to spend what little time we have left on this rock fattening themselves up for the bombs.

Outlining how two years of pandemic-induced anxiety has just rolled into an actual world war (with a side helping of climate chaos and the soaring cost of living), the study by nutritionists from around the world has agreed that comfort eating may be mankind’s last hope for a bit of happiness before ‘the ol’ ka-boooooooooom’.

“We’ve spent generations trying to live long, healthy lives by eating nutritious food, when in reality we should have accepted that it’s man’s nature to destroy ourselves, and leaned into that,” said one former vegan, ordering one of those new really Big Mac things, his fourth of the day.

“That’s the mad thing, we’ve made the term ‘comfort eating’ a bad thing. Eat for comfort, where’s the harm? The tanks roll into Ukraine, you get a spice bag for dinner. That’s fair. The Amazon is on fire, eat a Dairy Milk. There’s only one way this ends, and it’s not with us all eating celery and boasting 6-packs, that’s for sure”.

Furthermore, the report also calls for pints. Lots of pints. Lots and LOTS of pints.