Putin Using Way Too Many Air Quotes For World’s Liking


PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has ordered Russian troops to advance into two rebel-held provinces in Ukraine on a ‘peace keeping mission’, while somehow maintaining a straight face.

“Oh he’s good, that Putin lad,” said one EU analyst, listening to Putin’s decree that Russia now recognises the Donetsk People’s Republic and the Lugansk People’s Republic as independent nations, and not ‘bits of Ukraine’.

“Imagine having balls like that, to claim you’re sending in the Russian army into Ukraine to protect pro-Moscow militia you fund in a new country that you’ve just made up. Imagine playing poker against the fucker. My word”.

Elsewhere, world leaders have all agreed that they ‘saw this coming a mile away’, but failed to state why they didn’t do something about it in the 20-something years since Putin started acting the bollocks in the region.

“If only we could have known that the former KGB agent and Soviet Union fetishist with the penchant for cyber terrorism and election-meddling would turn out to be so dangerous,” mused world leaders, as they came to terms with the failure of months of bluster and bluff to deter Putin doing what Putin wants.

“I mean, can we even do anything here? We said we’d sanction the nuts off him if he entered Ukraine but technically, he says he’s entering south-south-west Russia. Tell you what, keep an eye on him for another while before we do anything rash. Tell the Ukrainian people to, I dunno, enjoy being peace-kept by a foreign army for now”.

Meanwhile, Irish Taoiseach Micheál Martin has headed to Berlin for some fucking reason.