Putin Informed Penis Enlargement Surgery Is Much Cheaper Than Full Scale Invasion


OBSERVERS witnessing Vladimir Putin produce ‘the Mona Lisa of bullshit’ pretense for invading Ukraine have pointed out that penis enlargement surgery has come on leaps and bounds in recent decades and is safer and more affordable than the dictator may have previously thought.

“Sure you think invading Ukraine because you found an old USSR voucher that you say entitles the recipient to a former soviet republic’ makes you look like the big man, but just get the surgery instead. Yes, there’s some bloodshed, but not a much as would be spilled in a conflict you singlehandedly engineered because you’re a little prick,” one foreign policy expert observed.

Putin’s decision to send troops to eastern Ukraine has been condemned by the EU, UK and US, who Ukrainians have praised for discovering the war on Ukraine eight years after it started.

“You’ve already spent money on spreading disinformation and filming immediately debunked footage you claim shows Ukrainian aggression but honestly if you have health insurance they basically pay you to have the penis enlargement surgery. Feeding, clothing and providing bombs to an army to start an unprovoked war that will result in sanctions – think of your wallet,” one Russian general, soon to be offered tea, ventured.

Leading surgeons have confirmed that the magnifying glasses and tiny tweezers they use means anyone can avail of the surgery and patients’ privacy will always be respected.

“Is this really worth Germany cancelling Nord Stream 2? Sure you can pet a map of Ukraine and say ‘mine’ but you can’t take it home. You can take home an enlarged penis to that €3bn mansion you magically own on a salary of €100k,” offered a particularly brave intern one his first day of work experience at the Kremlin Palace.

Elsewhere, Ireland is suddenly regretting being adding the UN Security Council citing the fact it wouldn’t have joined if it knew ‘shit was about to go off’. Despite this, Irish Ambassador Geraldine Byrne Nason was heard loudly shouting ‘ah here leave it out’ in the direction of her Russian colleague earlier this morning.