Elderly Burglary Victim Explains To Gang That All Her Money Is Tied Up In Crypto

A PREDATORY criminal gang that has been menacing elderly people in rural parts of Waterford has walked away empty-handed from the home of  pensioner Eithne Brenahan, who informed the louts that she had nothing of value in his home as she has recently invested her life savings in NFTs.

The criminal gang, probably from Dublin, were unable to comprehend the inner workings of blockchain-based investment and fled the scene in a bid to go rob someone else while the night was young, leaving Ms Brenahan to prepare her home for when the guards eventually arrived over the next few days.

“I have a diverse crypto wallet full of Dogecoin and Ethereum, as well as many NFTs from the ‘Bored Ape’ collection,” the 86-year-old informed WWN.

“I mean, anyone with eyes can see that the Gardaí are powerless to defend rural communities following a decade of cuts, during which time the gangs have only gotten more brazen and more vicious. So the days of being able to have a few pound in your house are gone, long gone. Plus shooting these cunts in the head as they come through your front door is still a legal minefield, so I went ahead and protected my money in a manner in which these shitheads can barely understand, let alone steal”.

Meanwhile, financial experts didn’t think now was the time to tell Ms Branahan that cryptocurrency probably wasn’t any safer or more secure in the long run that having a shoebox full of fifties in her wardrobe.