Ireland Defenceless If Seagulls Turn On Population, Admits Irish Army


A ROOT and branch review of the Irish Defence Forces capabilities in the wake planned of Russian naval exercises has confirmed Ireland is helpless if the seagulls, known as the ‘pricks of the sky’, turn on us.

“Just taken it as a given, we can’t even be the irritating fly on the arse of the bear that Russia is, but we’re just as poorly resourced if ‘Operation Birdshit’ occurs,” explained an army insider, referencing the hypothetical threat posed by Irish seagulls where they turn more aggressive and coordinate attacks on the Irish public.

A closer inspection of army resources revealed all grenades are actually novelty soap bars made to look like grenades, while navy vessels are just strategically placed 12-foot poster pictures of boats attached to floating buoys at sea.

“Right now, if you’re out in somewhere like Bray and a seagull takes your ice cream, we can send two lads in the one working jeep we have with the ‘surface to air shooing broom’, but if a whole squadron of seagulls mobilise, you’re on your own,” confirmed the army source, whose turn it was to have a go of the army’s one working rifle on the shooting range.

“And fighting them on their own turf in the skies? Forget about it! The seagull’s wingspan of 1.2 metres is far bigger than any of our kites made to look like air force planes”.

Defence Forces resources took a further hit after the Department of Defence were sent an invoice by Irish fisherman for ‘services rendered in relation to replacing non-existent navy’.

“Our cyber capabilities? Let me just check,” added the source as he wrote a letter to a superior officer by candlelight with a quill.

Elsewhere, the public has stated maybe it isn’t such a good idea for Ireland and its forces to publicly advertise how incapable it is.