Local Man Back To Tipping Fuck All After Period Of Festive Generosity

AFTER a rough few weeks where he felt duty-bound to tip service staff and fast-food delivery drivers a decent amount, Waterford man Cathal McPartland can now go back to tipping little to nothing with a completely clear conscience.

“Any driver that dropped chips into me over the Christmas got a fiver. A fiver! I wish someone would give me a fiver once in a while,” moaned McPartland, who currently sits on a salary of 90k+ a year.

“Thankfully now that’s its the middle of January, well away from the trappings of Christmas and New Year’s, I can go back to giving the driver the change I have to hand, or nothing at all. And because they’ve been looked after in such a generous fashion for the month of December, they’ll probably still give me prawn crackers for another two or three deliveries before they realise they’re not getting tipped”.

McPartland’s annual return to stinginess coincides with the passing of a new law which would ban restaurants and bars from withholding tips from their staff, thus placing the responsibility of screwing the staff out of the price of a pint firmly in the hands of the customer.

“It’s great to see a new law that muddies the water surrounding gratuities, it really allows the customer to believe that there’s shenanigans afoot and therefore the best course of action is to just not tip,” added McPartland, who to this day is haunted by the memory of the time he mistakenly told a waitress to ‘keep the change’ out of a hundred euro for a bill that he thought was 94 euro, but turned out to be 74 euro.