Coveney Makes Handy Chart To Help Remember All Denials


IN THE WAKE of stating he briefly said ‘hello’ to staff in the Department of Foreign Affairs moments after they let their guard down with a completely spontaneous champagne booze up to celebrate Ireland being appointed to the UN Security Council, constituting a lockdown breach, Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney has begun to keep a wall chart tracking his denials, corrections, admissions, mea cuplas and u-turns.

“After the whole Zapponegate thing, he really learned a lesson,” said one source, detailing that the wall chart is somewhere in the region of 12 x 12 metres and given the nature of Coveney’s ever evolving recollections of events, is made of a wipe clean surface for easy last minute sudden realisations when others contradict his accounts.

Coveney, who didn’t create a role especially for Katherine Zappone and also didn’t attend the Department’s champagne session, took over a week to inform the media that he wasn’t there there but was sort of there there.

“Conveniently deleted texts will go on a separate wall chart,” explained another source, who said the wall chart was not chosen because it can be more easily disposed of than an Excel spreadsheet.

Already suffering writer’s cramp in both wrists, Minister Coveney channeled his inner Russell Crowe in ‘A Beautiful Mind’ to finally get all outstanding questions answered in one late night writing spree.

“How long would it take for a champagne swigging brouhaha to dissipate? 3 minutes? Brilliant, that’s conicidentally exactly at the point I craned my neck in to say hello while wearing a blindfold and noise cancelling headphones,” Coveney reasoned with himself, scribbling over his previous version of events.