“Unvaccinated Behind All HSE Failures” Finds Government Report

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IN A wholly independent report, the government confirmed that those unvaccinated against Covid-19 are solely to blame for the fact the government has consistently failed to raise ICU bed capacity to recommended levels, despite warnings going back to 2009 and beyond.

“Twelve long years and many many reports from the HSE and pleas from healthcare workers later, I’m just as incensed as the rest of the public at the pesky unvaccinated for keeping ICU capacity at 50% below recommended levels,” former Minister for Health and current part-time Taoiseach Micheál Martin said.

On the receiving end of incredulous looks and several bullshitometers exploding upon impact with their words, the government was again asked if it really thought it could win this round of the blame game.

“It certainly wasn’t my party’s fault,” confirmed former Minister for Health and in power for 10 years Leo Varadkar, whose quotes from several years ago about keeping bed levels low is good because healthcare workers would get lazy if they weren’t overworked and overstretched have resurfaced.

“It wasn’t my fault I inherited a mess from the previous shower,” shared Simon Harris on becoming Minister for Health after Varadkar.

“Yes, HSE estimates in 2015 stated 67 of the then 237 critical care beds were ‘not resourced’ and that there were less beds in 2015 than 2008 levels, and no, I’ve no idea why the unvaccinated did nothing to transform the situation for the better,” he continued, in an epic Tiktok.

“This is an utter scandal and you should be ashamed” Labour leader Alan Kelly said from the opposition bench despite serving in government during some of this period.

“Look progress is being made, last year we said we’d increase critical care bed numbers to 321 and then we, eh, I mean the unvaccinated didn’t… Does the ‘it was Sinn Féin’s fault’ excuse work here at all?” begged current Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly.

“We have all the answers,” confirmed Mary Lou McDonald, whose party in Northern Ireland is currently overseeing a rate of 1-in-5 unvaccinated NHS workers and bloated waiting lists for essential care similarly experienced in the HSE.

“Suffice to say there will be hell to pay when we get our hands on whoever, aside from the unvaccinated, is to blame for state of the health service,” confirmed the four members of the current cabinet who have all held the position of Minister for Health at some point.

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