Climate To Identify As Bank In Hopes People Will Save It


A NEW initiative which will reclassify the earth’s climate as a commercial bank so it can avail of a quick acting bailout from governments is expected to get the greenlight next year, saving the climate from proverbially going bust, WWN has learned.

Much like the 2009 bank bailout which saw Irish citizens fork out €41.7bn to save six commercial banks from defaulting, the climate will soon become listed as a financial institution and will require citizens here to stabilise it or face even worse consequences than a financial crash.

“People have got to ask themselves which is worse, your money disappearing from your account, or the world disappearing from your life and ending it,” put head of the campaign to reclassify the climate, Dr Gerald Hashhold. “Obviously this concept is aimed more at the people in power, who actually call the shots, but once we have them onboard, I’m sure this idea will be plain sailing”.

The move, which would involve the climate somehow floated on the world’s stock exchanges, will see it run like a multi-billion-euro financial institution, affording it an importance it was previously denied, with every citizen in the world given equal shares in the climate to start in the hopes more invest, with lucrative bonuses for shareholders if it starts improving.

Since it was announced, hundreds of huge multi-nationals and investors have already shown interest in the climate stock and have vowed to protect it at all costs.

“Whatever we do, we’ve got to save the climate bank no matter what,” IMF CEO Kristalina Georgieva told a press conference, flanked by dozens of world leaders along with very panicked and sweaty looking bank officials, “we can’t let the climate bank go bust and must act now, now, now, now!”

Thanks to the change, the climate is now expected to make a full recovery in just 3 short years, a staggering 30 years ahead of its scheduled demise.