Other Experiences That Would Be Improved By Having To Buy Tickets In Advance


WHILE some are apoplectic over the fact the government still has no legally binding regulations in place for the reopening of the entertainment and hospitality sectors they claim they were preparing for in advance, others think this constantly-evolving ‘tickets for nightclubs’ idea has some legs and could be applied to other areas of Irish life too:

Exiting the M50

An alternative to spending hours in congestion. Just go online and buy your ticket which gives you an unobstructed journey home. NOTE: the next available slot is 3.15am October 28th, 2057.


Just here for the superior sandwich spread and a gawk of other people’s grief? Well, buy a ticket in advance and please provide your ‘I knew the deceased’ cert at the door.

Tinder dates

It is hoped the ticketing system will cut down on the amount of time wasters that Sinead has to deal with, she’s not getting any younger you know, and she’s more than a little bit sick of being the only one of her friends who isn’t married yet.

Redress schemes

Currently, Mother and Baby Home survivors have no idea if and when a redress scheme will be implemented and administered. The government is missing a trick by not offer people the chance to buy a ticket in advance but will be asked not to ‘reschedule to due unforeseen events’ decade after decade.

Leaders Questions

Want to question the government on how they’ve had 18 months to formulate a cohesive and coherent plan on reopening nightclubs and live music venues? Best Micheál can do for Mary Lou is three weeks from feck off.

First communion

Is your child really ready to accept the body of our lord Jesus Christ, or does they just want an envelope of cash? Put their faith to the test by asking them to pony up 100 quid and brave the Ticketmaster website to show they’re really serious about this God stuff.

Visiting your parents

Sorry folks, sold out today, maybe I’ll get over to you next week.

Getting the ride

You know you’ll be horny, bored and lonely at 7.35pm Sunday next. Any takers just need to head to an accredited ticket sellers and book a slot. And this way you avoid the hassle of booking a ticket to a nightclub in the process.

McDonalds drive through

Ticketing for nightclubs might be farcical but surely in the 21st century we’re beyond the stress of being stuck in a queue for an hour when all you wanted was a McFlurry.