HAVING being kept away from her main source of confidence draining, soul eroding habit of needlessly comparing herself to friends and complete strangers, relieved local woman Aoife Grainger successfully loaded up her Instagram app after a brief worldwide outage lasting several hours.
“I couldn’t cope, I had this nice calm sense that maybe I was enough, y’know? I never want to feel that again,” Grainger said as she mainlined selfies from MUAs, fashion bloggers, fitness freaks and rich people reshaped by a team of plastic surgeons.
“I even got to the point where I found myself trying to scroll up on myself to the next person as I looked in the mirror, thank God that nightmare is over,” added the 23-year-old, as she watched yet another story of someone looking impossibly happy on holidays.
Grainger is not alone in suffering from a worrying uptick in contentment and self-worth during the time Instagram was down, with millions of other people reporting ‘yeah, I could do without this shit’ before sprinting back the second the app was back online.
“And hey, I know it’s all concocted bullshit that is a distorted facsimile of reality which can only serve to make me feel shit about myself in every conceivable way, but trying telling that to my dopamine addicted brain,” Grainger concluded, as she gorged enviously on the picture perfect life of another stranger who also had self-esteem levels lower than temperatures found in the Arctic Circle.