Here’s What You Can Look Forward To As Public Transport Returns To 100% Capacity

WITH public transport returning to 100% capacity next week, many people will have to adjust to the subtle changes a full train, bus, Dart, Luas or water taxi can bring.

Make sure to familiarise yourself with what to expect below:

Prepare your nostrils for being wedged into the armpit of commuters who seems to have a similar attitude to showers as they do the tooth fairy – they simply don’t believe they exist.

Your days of being bored on a near empty bus are over; with 100% capacity back the stranger sitting beside you is sure to provide you with Dolby surround sound cinema quality earache with whatever video they’re watching without headphones. Note: yes, thankfully, this will include the finest pornographic videos on the internet.

Expect a significant spread of bags being placed on seats as passengers stare a hole through your head if you even try to sit down beside them.

Play your cards right and you can get a good buzz going if you can convince that auld lad with the naggin to give you a swig.

Back of the bus etiquette:

– Top deck is for full time mad bastards only.

– Bottom deck is only for someone who wants to tell you their life story, including tales of getting that boil lanced. And if you don’t believe them, they’ll show you.

All Friday trains out of Dublin will contain at least 12 stags and hens who are only having a bit of craic and therefore your polite request that they wear their masks will be met with a box in the head.

Passengers are being advised to take this opportunity to stop thanking the driver upon disembarking. ‘Leave that shit in 2019’, is the official line.

As is always the case Dart and Luas security staff will remain a fabrication of your imagination whenever a situation actually requires their attendance.

If a GAA match takes place on transport, the capacity is permitted to be enhanced to 185%.