Greta Thunberg To Be Replaced With White Man In Hopes Climate Change Taken More Seriously

SWEDISH climate activist Greta Thunberg has been asked to ‘sit this one out’ following the publication of a terrifying new report on climate change, in a bid to convince climate skeptics that simply will not listen to the opinions of a 20-year-old woman.

“We have one last chance to slow the rate of climate change, but it will only happen if we can make sure our message is delivered by a white man. But not Al Gore, we’re talking about a charismatic man” said one climate change specialist, leafing through page after page of damning evidence that the world is on the tipping point between ‘fucked’ and ‘fucked, but not as bad’.

“Greta has done great work in raising awareness but we have to keep her away from this. The people we’re trying to reach will simply dismiss her immediately because she’s an 20-year-old who doesn’t smile very often. Every time she makes a speech, more and more people say fuck this and start burning tires out their back yard”.

As such, the search is on to find a climate spokesperson who appeals to everyone from common people who could recycle a little more, to billionaire energy magnates who are polluting the world on a biblical scale.

“We need the Hulk Hogan of climate science, the George Clooney, the Joe Rogan”, the UN admitted.

“When they speak, people need to listen. We’ve tried facts, figures, science, bargaining, begging, pleading, the tear-filled eyes of a teenage girl, everything… now we’ve just got to showbiz them into believing”.

Meanwhile the vast majority of the world are totally okay with climate change as it’s more of a problem for their great-grandchildren grandchildren children, rather than being a ‘right now’ issue.