Warm As Fuck These Days, Scientists Confirm

REPORTS of record-breaking temperatures from around the world from North America to Iraq has led scientists to confirm that their worst fears are being realised; it is, and will continue to be for some time, fierce warm out there.

The spike in temperatures, which saw a rise in deaths in Canada as well as power lines melting in parts of the US, suggests that climate change is indeed affecting our day-to-day lives, with hundreds of thousands of Irish people reporting that they got caught out wearing a jumper they had ‘no need for’ as the mercury rose yesterday.

The soaring heatwave that rolled across the country this week had initially been dismissed as being the ‘traditional good weather we get when the leaving cert is on’, but even the hardiest of climate change sceptics had to reluctantly admit that there was indeed ‘some heat in that sun’.

“There is one word for that weather, and that’s pure disgusting” admitted one such climate change denier on social media yesterday.

“Mind you, it’s not warm where there’s no sun, so who’s to say what’s going on? If there is in fact some sort of global weather event that’s about to cause environmental havoc over the next few years, then okay, maybe we should take precautions. Everyone should take their vest off, for example. Leave a drop of water out for the dogs, the poor divils will be parching. Throw a window open, leave the fan on at night. Don’t put on anything too big for the dinner, a salad will do. We’ll get through this”.

The world has also been advised to ‘have a little lie down’ if temperatures get too much, although this lie-down may last several years and there’s no guarantee you’ll ever get up from it.