Coping With The Fact All You Can Eat Buffets May Never Return


AS the nation eases itself back open following an extensive lockdown, concerns have been raised that some practices that were cancelled due to covid may never make a return to their former glory, specifically, the wanton free-for-all that was all-you-can-eat buffet dining.

As a return to pub sessions and eating indoors hangs in the balance for now, here’s how you can deal with losing the unbelievable piggery of your favourite buffet:

Accept the fact that you’re probably going to live longer now

Take solace in the the fact that no, you may never top your previous record for most duck rolls eaten in a single sitting, but you may actually see your 70s as a consolation.

With buffet dining way, way down the government’s list of priorities due to everyone clambering over each other every time there’s a fresh vat of chicken curry put out, it may be time to bid farewell to those artery clogging, 1,900 calorie days of sunshine.

Get ready to be really embarrassed in hotels

With buffet dining to be replaced by table service, there’s nothing to stop you from eating 15 sausages in the morning when you wake up in a hotel on a night away… except now you have to ask the waiting staff for it specifically. Will mortification overcome you as you attempt to make your order, or will you blow through the shame and get the 19-rasher sandwich you’ve been dreaming of? We know the answer. Say hello to scarlet town.

Prepare to actually buy lunch from now on

There never was a limit on all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets or indeed a good old fashioned Chinese buffet, all they asked was you don’t waste food. This meant a hell of a lot of leftovers made their way home with you, or indeed a goodly stock of fruit and yogurt was sneaked out of a hotel to feed yourself and the kids later in the day.

Not any more, friends; get ready to only eat what you can in a single sitting, with no scope for multi-meal deals. This is a bleak new dawn that is rising, everyone. May God have mercy on us all.