School Report Just Gonna Come Out And Say It: Your Kid Is A Lazy Little Shit


FEELING no need to sugar-coat things any longer, the teacher of 9-year-old Phillip Dunlan has given the youngster both barrels in his report card, outlining in no uncertain terms what an absolute penance it is to have him in class.

“What do I owe this kid, really?” said Ms Eimear Whelan, who had originally written out what can only be described as a ‘very diplomatic’ account of the last school year.

“So rather than dance around with all this ‘Phillip is a good student but needs encouragement to complete his work from time to time’, I’m just going to say it as it is; ‘Phillip is a lazy little fucking dose, and I’m delighted to be shot of him out of my class’. Parents need to hear this, honest to God like”.

Not aware that this was an option, scores of other teachers have also dropped the platitudes on their student’s reports, leading to hundreds of families receiving word that no, their child isn’t some little angel who sits attentively in class and ‘adds colour to the day’.

“You mean we can just rail on these little doses? We don’t have to sugar coat it?” asked one primary teacher, who had been gritting their teeth writing the words ‘bright, fun child’ instead of ‘disruptive little fucker’ hundreds of times.

Meanwhile, parents across the country have issued a collective ‘surely not my child’ upon receiving the report cards, and have put the complaints down to either a mistake, or the teacher’s pettiness rather than accept the fact their kid might be a medium-to-large shite.