PORTUGAL and Germany’s games lived up to the hype and was the sort of rewarding summer blockbuster Christopher Nolan wishes Tenet was.
The stunning opening goal came from a Portugal counter attack that saw Ronaldo traveling quicker than a Japanese bullet train to catch up with play and send the ball into the back of the net.
Clearly massive fans of fizzy cola beverages, Germany would not stand for Ronaldo disrespecting Coca Cola and fought back in impressive fashion with their own ruthless striker Own Goal.
Germany coach Joachim Low dug deep in his trousers for something other than a sniff of his balls and pulled out a winning game plan. Portugal, on the other hand, suffered thanks to manager Fernando Santos’ tactics being more conservative than the lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and Arlene Foster.
A weak link constantly exploited, Portugal’s Semedo was as useless as a chocolate teapot and has been assured by his therapist that there’s no Gosens hiding under his bed.
On RTÉ commentary Kenny Cunnigham declared a jihad on the water breaks which he believed were more disruptive to the flow of the game than a thousand Greenpeace paragliders descending on a pitch.
As the second half progressed the game at times was more open than a French couple’s marriage, and the German’s convincing win makes the final group games looking as exciting as .
The 8pm kickoff once again saw Spain produce more sideways action than the world’s largest gathering of crabs and Luis Enrique’s team ultimately had all the cutting edge of a spoon.
With his confidence lower than the Mariana Trench, Morata needed a goal to boost his confidence and thankfully when he scored from what looked like an offside position VAR officials felt sorry for him and gave the goal anyway.
A resilient Poland equalised through goal machine Lewandowski who leapt like a salmon with a forehead forged from concrete to head home. However, he has been reported to the principal for bullying Laporte in the build up.
Moder stamped on Moreno like he his trousers had caught fire leading to a penalty that saw Moreno hit the post and the follow up missed by Morata who couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a dozen heat-seeking drone missiles.
Poland’s players repeatedly crowded and hassled the referee like he was a nightclub bouncer who had just said ‘not tonight lads’. In an ill-tempered few minutes the referee began handing out more cards than a Hallmark shop.
Morata had a chance to score the winner towards the end after Alba laid the ball on but it was pounced on by Szczesny with all the ferocity of a cougar on the prowl during student night down the local pub.
The early kickoff was played in the sweltering heat of Budapest and saw Hungary trying to slap factor 50 on its goal as France enjoyed more chances than a no-good cheating ex.
Amazingly, Fiola scored against the run of play before halftime sending the Hungarian crowd into the sort of euphoria usually only displayed by their ruling politicians when shitting all over LGBT people’s rights.
Fiola’s rounded off his celebration by helping a pitch side journalist rearrange her working space with some aggressive feng shui.
Long ball merchants France equalised after Lloris lumped the ball forward in a move that saw Mbappe set up Griezmann, but so unhappy was the Barcelona forward with a mere equaliser against minnows Hungary he could only manage a brief arse wiggle dance for a celebration.
Today’s games both take place at 5pm so viewers are warned to get their multi-screen set up sorted in advance. Italy take on Wales which could see fans once more drool over Italy’s handsome men and style of play, while Switzerland will be tasked with humanely putting down a Turkey.
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