No Riding In The Portaloos, No Mosh Pit, No Getting Into Fights With Lads From Cork: We Review The Zero Craic First Post-Covid Gig

LAST night’s intimate 500-person James Vincent McMorrow gig in the Iveagh Gardens may have been the promising and tentative first steps back to live music, but many in attendance have said that there’s still a lot to be done to capture that pre-covid gig feeling.

Notable absences include:

• Next to no fleeting sexual encounters with randomers, whether in the portaloos or the bushes surrounding the venue. “With only 500 people there, it’d be pretty obvious if there was a portaloo door that was shut for 20 minutes with two people in it” offered one punter, who went on to state that it would have been “like riding at the back of mass”.
• Almost zero drug use, thanks to the low crowds in attendance and the gentle nature of the performing artists. “Normally at a concert or festival, you can rely on there being a few lower-class scobies dealing pills, but there was nobody except arty types like myself in the Iveagh Gardens last night” said one attendee. “At EP for example, a richer person such as myself needs working class people to provide us with drugs so we can ironically get off our faces, rather than how they use drugs, which is just very depressing if you ask me”.
• Although the music was very engaging, the 2 metre ‘pods’ people were forced to stand in did not lend themselves easily to that enjoyable ‘sweaty crowd’ atmosphere, let alone a few good shoulder-charges leading to digs being thrown between warring groups of 40-year-old men who’ve been on their feet for just a little too long today. “My missus didn’t even ask to go up on my shoulders to see better, because we could easily see the stage” said one man, who didn’t even get warm enough to warrant taking his top off the whole time.