“SURE, it’s great throwing a chair through this cafe’s window and then punching this innocent guy here, but some of the spark is just gone,” confirmed lifelong England supporter Dan Smyth as he caused criminal damage and bodily harm in his own area ahead of England’s opening game against Croatia at Wembley.
Although a boozed up Smyth screeched ‘two world wars, one world cup’ with all his might while topless like he does before all England games at big tournaments, the 49-year-old felt a strange emptiness doing so on the streets of Barnet.
“Like, take this for example when I go past someone and feign like I’m going to headbutt them and knock them the fuck out, all the joy is removed when I hear an English voice beg me to show mercy. You want a Frog or a Kraut pleading I don’t kick the shit out of them, like Churchill would have wanted, innit.”
Smyth, now making a variety of neo-Nazi salutes, felt his arm tire and go limp such was his lack of enthusiam knowing that he wasn’t terrorising people in another country and taking over their town squares while causing as much damage as possible.
“I thought booing our own players taking the knee would bring me some joy but it’s all a bit…empty,” Smyth conceded.
Smyth had all but resigned himself to saying goodbye to his friends and heading home until he spotted a corner shop with a foreign sounding name above the door.
“Game on,” confirmed Smyth, his face turning a bright bulging red.
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