Biden Urges Israel To Only Use $3.8bn In US Military Aid For ‘Nice Stuff’


US PRESIDENT Joe Biden has condemned Israeli airstrikes on Palestinians civilians which has resulted in the deaths of children in the strongest possible terms by urging Israel to use its annual US military aid of $3.8bn for ‘nice things’ only.

“When we gave you that military aid with no strings attached and our implicit support for your human right abuses, illegal occupation and apartheid, we honestly thought you’d use that military aid for something nice like flowers for your soldiers,” explained Biden, intent on continuing America’s long treasured unconditional support of the indefensible.

With the vast majority of world leaders turning a blind eye to the Israeli government’s policy of a thousand eyes for an eye, Israel is free to continue launching 9-hour missile bombardments every time a Palestinian farts, safe in the knowledge only Hamas is to blame, always.

Preempting the events yet to come as tensions and violence escalates White House press secretary Jen Psaki confirmed “whatever the Israeli military is about to be accused of, it didn’t do it”.

Elsewhere, wailing Palestinian women lost to grief and mourning their dead children have apologised for interrupting your mindless internet scrolling and TV watching but confirmed there is nothing to worry about as the media will lose interest and move on to something else almost instantly.