What To Expect From The Church’s New ‘Sex Ed’ Programme

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‘Flourish’, the relationship and sex education programme developed for junior infants to sixth class age group by the Irish Bishops’ Conference is to describe sex and puberty as a ‘gift from God’ to the 90% of schools still under the auspices of the Catholic Church.

But what exactly will the Catholic Church, famed for its controversially ‘progressive’ attitude to sex and children, be teaching? WWN got an exclusive look at the programme. Old men, who have never had sex, teaching children about it – what could go wrong?

Although handing out a blank piece of paper and saying ‘figure it out yourselves’ used to work perfectly fine, some updates have been made.

The whole ‘gay people are an abomination and are set for hell’ thing is staying put. Apologies to gay teachers who will be forced to teach this stuff under the threat of firing if they object.

The only threesome spoken of will be the Holy Trinity.

6th class children will be told to be ashamed of their bodies which are drenched in sin, but in a move that fully embraces the 21st century, this part will include a fun Powerpoint developed by brainwashing experts.

A cornerstone of the lesson will be that sex is between a married man and woman, with a lovely photo presentation on Mother and Baby Homes where the Church wishes they could still send sinning women and girls.

Pupils will be shown a picture of Jesus crying and told this is what happens every time they masturbate.

Since many priests are technically barred from being within 500 metres of a school, the majority of classes will still be taught by an unstable teacher who cries every time she brings up Jesus. When a teacher is out sick, the church will provide a stocky nun to sub.

The classes will not be mandatory, but the church will brand any children who don’t partake with a scarlet ‘S’.

Children will be taught that adults must recite 10 Our Fathers as penance for every bit of sex they partake in.

Instead of basic biology lessons… some prayers.

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