Tension In Heaven As Prince Philip Describes Jesus As ‘Darker Than I Expected’


GOD has had to remind himself several times this week that he’s dealing with a very wealthy, very rich, very old individual in the case of Prince Philip, who wandered through the pearly gates on Friday wondering loudly ‘if Jesus had been on the sunbeds’.

“Why do you think I left him on Earth for close to a hundred years? I’ve been dreading this” sighed God, as Philip wondered loudly if would be ‘have to’ live on the same street as non-pureblood Royals.

“The young fella was going to go for him, but I said listen, Jesus, he’s an old man and from a different time so that’s just the way he goes on. Of course, Philip would have expected Jesus to be a straight-haired 6’6″ chiselled white guy – it wouldn’t occur to him to think that such a man would look a bit out of place in the Middle East 2,000 years ago. Philip probably thought Israel was a British colony back then to be honest”.

As Philip continued to dole out top-ten worthy gaffes to everyone he met from Nelson Mandela to the popstar Prince, God called together an emergency meeting of angels to see if perhaps some dreadful mistake had been made.

“Is he perhaps not better suited for, y’know” asked Gabriel, making a ‘down there’ motion with his wings.

God then went on to explain that all UK Royals get a free pass into heaven in exchange for a mention in their national anthem, a PR exercise that God is now beginning to ‘seriously regret’.