FOLLOWING the resignation of its previous leader there is now a power vacuum at the heart of the greatest, most influential patriotic party that has ever patriotically patriotised the Irish people.
But just who will take over the reins at The Irish Freedom Party? And is there any qualification other than being nuttier than squirrel shit? WWN appraises the leading candidates:
A vial containing a sample of Padraig Pearse’s last known stool sample
There’s no doubt if there was a vote tomorrow the patriotic poo would win, but in the long term, would it be the sort of leader that could help with recruitment of new members in the long run?
Your man who does be hanging around outside the schools
Can’t remember his name now, but the gardaí know it. If you see him, don’t approach him, just ring the guards. He’s the current runaway front runner for the job.
Well, technically his mam calls him Alan Ferriter, but he’s not one of those types who thinks he’s Jesus Christ, the difference with Alan/Jesus is he knows he’s Jesus. Considered an outsider by the bookies and a serious upgrade on previous leaders. Just look at the calibre of potential leader so far, the party has come a long way from running fake candidates in local elections using stock photo models.
A lad with 57 subscribers on his YouTube channel
Some argue the party was founded in 2018, but really hasn’t the party been coursing through every Irish person’s blood since birth? Well, that’s certainly the view of ‘CelticMafia93’ Youtuber Brian Farrelly. And just think what energy a lad who produces 47 new videos each day about how foreigners are ruining the country could bring to leading the party. A bright future awaits.
Anyone with a good strong Aryan sounding name
No one who changed their name to Johnny Hitler or the like via deed poll will be accepted. The name must have been assigned at birth. If you sound like you’re coughing up a lung pronouncing the surname, you might just have the next Irish Freedom Party leader.
Any Irish celebrity who hasn’t been in the Sunday Indo magazine in awhile
It’s the perfect way to resurrect any dead career as the free publicity that comes with the position is all but guaranteed by the Irish media.
Can you shout ‘End The Lockdown’ for 72 hours straight without losing your voice?
Hey, if you can you could be the patriotic leader the IFP is looking for. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if you had considerable training in saying things that rile up racists without actually sounding racist.
A discarded bag of radioactive bin juice
Seems to have as good a chance of any of the other candidates.
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