Temple Bar Declared Urine Free For First Time In 200 Years


THE streets and bar populating the popular Dublin hot spot have been declared piss-free for the first time in over two centuries, with experts citing the Covid pandemic as the main reason why so little urine has been expelled in the area over the last 12 months.

“When we say main reason, well, it’s the only reason” said state urologist Mick Shurate, speaking at the unveiling of a plaque commemorating the discovery.

“For the first time in any of our lifetimes, we can walk through the cobbles of Temple Bar safe in the knowledge that our shoes remain piss and spilled-beer free.”

Shurate went on to explain how his team determined the urineless status of the area, using complicated archaeology equipment tailored for the job.

“Around this corner here, we can see a build-up of greenness on the wall that indicates this was a popular place to nip in for a quick slash” explained the expert, as a member of his team peeled a bark-like sheet of caked urine from the side of a building.

“And we can count back here on this slab of solid piss, like the rings of a tree. We can see back hundreds of years, where people were drinking mead and pissing on the walls, then through the decades we see the rise in popularity of Guinness as the layers get darker, and on to sweeter, more alcopop-tainted urine of the turn of the century. The newest layer of urine dates back to March of 2020, when the pandemic hit, and there has been no urine added to it since. Remarkable”.

People have been told to enjoy the fresh air in Temple bar while it lasts, as the lifting of lockdown during the summer is expected to bring with it a ‘tsunami of piss’ that will bring the area back to its former glory.