Amazon Introduce New ‘Did Buying This Product Momentarily Ease Your Anxiety?’ Feature


AS pandemic-induced ‘happiness buying’ continues to soar, online retail giant Amazon are to revamp their website to include a new segment where buyers leave comments and remarks about how much, if at all, their mental health was improved by their purchase.

“Out of five, with five being ‘a lot’ and one being ‘not at all’, how much of a feeling of ‘thank fuck’ did you get when the delivery guy dropped this at your door?” reads one of the new review segments, aimed at giving customers a clearer motivation to solve their anxiety problems with regular, healthy doses of consumerism.

Speaking to several Amazon customers, WWN found that the new reviews are helping people to comfort-buy their way out of this once-in-a-generation global catastrophe, with many stating that they had been ‘lost’ until now when it came to choosing what Bluetooth speaker to purchase to stave away the black dog for another few days.

“It’s really useful to know that ‘Amy, 27 from Shropshire’ got a 5-out-of-5 dopamine hit when the her delivery of a home shellac nail kit arrived” said one Waterford woman we spoke to, from under a pile of Amazon boxes.

“For too long, the Amazon reviews have focused on the product itself, if it’s any good, if it’s good quality and blah blah blah – I don’t need to know that. I’m sure this iPhone case will work just fine when I get it. But what we really need to know is how much will we cry tears of joy when it arrives”.

Amazon have also introduced a new ‘unpredictable delivery’ option, for those who like their parcels to arrive unexpectedly, weeks after order, adding a whole new level of ‘oh look, a present for me, from me’ to proceedings.