Border Counties To Construct Own ‘Living With Covid’ Roadmap Out Of Bits Of Everyone Else’s


WITH both the UK and the Republic of Ireland outlining their roadmap out of Covid lockdown in the past few days, a committee of border counties will now sit down and work out what the next few months look like for them in terms of ‘living with covid’.

Delegates from Donegal, Tyrone, Fermanagh, Derry, Armagh, Cavan, Monaghan, Leitrim, Louth and Down came together to discuss what exact guidelines to follow, with both the UK and Irish governments seemingly okay with one third of the counties on the island of Ireland being in a Covid ‘grey area’.

“Okay first and foremost, does everyone have the correct ‘Roadmap to Recovery’ open? Because there’s been a few over the last few months” said a spokesperson for the largest cross-border initiative since the diesel famine of 1987.

“So what we have here is neighbouring counties where shops, pubs, clubs, sports venues, hairdressers, clinics, dog grooming places and parks are all opening at different times. And we’ve got people who are willing and able to cross the border to get what they want, with no way to police them, as well as no desire from either side for some sort of all-island solution to this problem. So okay, any suggestions?”.

“Could we all just stop drinking?” offered a Fermanese man.

“Maybe the people who cross the border for work every day could, you know, quit their jobs?” suggested  a lady from Louth.

“I’m from Monaghan and my wife is from Tyrone. Is divorce the answer?” queried a Castleblaney native.

Following the 36-hour meeting in which a vague framework that might save a few lives the counties headed off home, agreeing to meet again in six months when they’re back in the same place again.