Stephen Donnelly Maintains Sleek Aerodynamic Look To Aid Eventual Getaway


ALTHOUGH the rest of the nation are still wondering where their next haircut is coming from, Minister For Health Stephen Donnelly has been making full use of the Dáil barber to ensure his head remains streamlined and ‘ready for flight’, a source has told WWN.

“He calls in regularly for a short back and sides and top, as he calls it” said a member of the FF-FG-G coalition hair & make-up team, while showing us barely-different ‘before & after’ images of the Wicklow TD.

“He knows as well as the rest of us that his time in government is going to end with a chase of some sort, and he wants to remain as aerodynamic as possible”.

Although many may doubt what difference the drag of a head of hair would make while being chased by a mob furious about any number of things, Donnelly remains adamant that he’s ‘not taking any chances’ by growing out his luscious locks any time soon.

“His hair is naturally down to his shoulders, he tells us” our source declared.

“And when the nation eventually get sick of the Children’s Hospital scandal, or the CervicalCheck scandal, or the Covid spike after ignoring NPHET, Minister Donnelly doesn’t want to risk getting his long flowing hair caught in a sliding door or something. Plus he knows they’ll be coming for him and Simon Harris, and he needs an edge on Harris, who can naturally squeeze through tight gaps to escape”.

Donnelly is said to also keep a pair of wraparound shades with him at all times in case he needs to really streamline himself, as well as a plastic lunch bag filled with cold mud which he intends to smear himself with and become ‘invisible to heat vision’.