INCOMING US Vice-President Kamala Harris has cleared her search history ahead of today’s inauguration ceremony, to ensure that nobody sees that her most-searched Google terms include ‘how much pressure can an old man heart take’, ‘sudden noises old man heart attack’, ‘old man drops dead following fireworks’ and ‘Joe Biden family history heart trouble’, WWN can reveal.
“Be sure to stand real close so that you can see the fireworks going off” Harris said to Biden earlier today, while offering him a can of Monster energy drink to ‘keep him pepped’.
“There’s a lot of pressure on you today, but I just want you to not let it get to you, Joe, the pressure. The crushing weight of expectation that is on you, the record number of American voters who need you, Joe, you to save them. Don’t let that pressure get to you. Just remember; short, shallow breaths to conserve energy, and if you feel a pain in your arm, neck or jaw, ignore it – it’s nothing”.
Set to become the first ever female president should anything happen to Biden over the next four years, Harris has long stated that she wishes nothing for the 78-year-old, except a long, healthy life and a successful 8-year presidential term, while also asking the pyrotechnic technicians at today’s ceremony to ‘make it extra loud’ if possible.
“You know, Joe once told me it was a big dream of his to stand inches away from a massive roman candle that he didn’t know was there,” said Harris, slipping the fireworks guy a crisp 50.
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