Media Running Out Of Ways To Say ‘Health System Fucked’


LEAFING through dog eared copies of thesauruses reporters are struggling to remember how many times they have used ‘catastrophic’, ‘cataclysmic’, ‘grim’, ‘decimated’, ‘disaster’ and ‘the bit in Titanic when the ship snaps in half’ to describe the recent deterioration in the capacity of the health service to treat an explosion in the number of Covid-19 patients.

“I know it’s our job to report on the state of things, but the absolute state of things!” confirmed one health correspondent.

Combined with having to report on the fact the initial vaccine rollout is moving slower than a butterfly tied to a concrete brick, reporters are reporting that their faces are now permanently stuck in the ‘this is very serious indeed’ pose.

“After the 5th ‘nurses are having breakdowns’, ‘doctors will be turning away patients from overcrowded ICUs’, ‘Donnelly is banging on about how trampolines are humanity’s biggest threat’ you kind of run out of words, so ‘the system is fucked’ is all we have left”.

As the public continues to struggle to comprehend the stress healthcare workers are under and ethical decisions that will have to made about patients as ICUs hit full capacity, many report feeling numb to watching the horrors unfold.

“I know we’re fucked, but I think my body and brain are shutting down and refusing to feel it because it wouldn’t be able for it, so maybe I’ll just lie to myself about how great everything is, and how great I’m doing,” confirmed one bald Wicklow man.