Johnson Assures Brits They’ll Have Christmas Bread & Dripping Or Whatever The Hell Those People Eat


BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given his loyal working class subjects his full assurances that even though they face many severe Covid-based restrictions over the Christmas period, everyone will still be able to sit down around the telly to watch The Queen while eating jellied eels and fish ‘n chips and spotted dick and ‘whatever else you commoners eat’.

Facing furious revolt from even the toriest of tories in his own party, Johnson pressed ahead with Tier 2 & Tier 3 restrictions for 55 million Britons ahead of the Christmas period, prompting derision from members of the Irish government across the water.

“Tiers? Ha ha, what a mess. Why can’t they have a 5-level mix ‘n match set of rules that they can apply here and there whenever it suits, like a normal country” giggled a source close to the government, putting the finishing touches to FF/FG’s new ‘Don’t Go Up To The Filthy North’ ad campaign.

Meanwhile in Britain, Johnson defended his actions by stressing that if British people want to get back to life as normal, then they had ‘jolly well better get on’ with the harsh restrictions outlined in his plan.

“I’m as British as the rest of you, I want to get back to tea and crumpets and football violence and going to Brighton on holidays” pleaded Johnson, as urchins pelted him rotten apples.

“We’ll have concerts again; the Rolling Stones and Michael Ball, all the favourites. Our pubs will be full again of people drinking half-pints of bitter and smoking those little rolled-up cigarettes that you all seem to like. We’ll all get calf tattoos and go to Spain and complain about how you can’t get a good full English breakfast. We just need you all to stop breathing all over each other for a few weeks, we don’t think it’s much to ask”.

Johnson was seen to pause every now and then during his speech, and glance at his hand where he had written ‘don’t even mention Brexit, they may have forgotten’ in biro.