Local Woman More Invested In Maura Higgins Love Life Than Her Own

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“OH MY GOD yes, finally!” screeched local woman Jenny Harty with the sort of ecstatic cries of joy normally reserved for climaxing as she read news of Love Island alumni Maura Higgins formally confirming a long rumoured romance.

Harty (27), who has neglected her own love life in favour of obsessing Higgins’ potential romance with Chris Taylor for so long she had to look up ‘climaxing’ in the dictionary again recently, was experiencing a belly fully of butterflies and platonic fanny flutters at the Longford native’s good news.

“Yes girl, get it, you deserve it,” Harty added as she gorged on Daily Mail articles and Instagram postings about the newly official couple, tears of joy forming in her eyes.

“Do you think you being single might have anything to do with the fact you have an Excel spreadsheet organising all of Maura and Chris’ online interactions with one another since leaving Love Island?” concerned friends offered Harty as she stood before a board filled with red strings pinned to pictures of Higgins and Taylor.

“Ah lads, stop, if I die alone with cobwebs on my vagina so be it, but fuck it if Maura doesn’t deserve it! And sure, who has time for dating in a pandemic?” countered Harty, who apparently had time to turn trying to prove Higgins and Taylor were riding into a laser focused 24/7 CIA-esque information gathering operation not seen since the hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

Harty has spent 400 hours on Higgins’ Instagram versus just 2 minutes on dating apps trying to find love herself in 2020, and despite stating Tinder is more depressing than Schindler’s List these days, friends maintain that if Harty invested as much time, energy and devotion into rooting for herself as she does O’Higgins, her own love life could explode into life.

“What did I tell ya girls? About time! I knew they were riding. Didn’t I say it? G’wan Muara!” Harty added, before dismissing dozens of DMs from singletons to write a 1,000 word comment under a picture of Higgins and Taylor on Instagram.

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