2020 continues to bring fresh challenges to us all; the latest being the scourge of zombie coronavirus mink herds, leading experts to issue a checklist to ensure you and your family’s safety in this new twist of the 2020 knife.
The guidelines come following a botched mass-cull of the animals in Denmark, aimed at curbing the rise of a new mutated strain of Covid-19, lead to ghoulish scenes of mink carcasses being pushed back to the surface by decomposition gases in scenes that have been described as ‘fairly normal by 2020 standards’.
Now concerns are growing that the remaining mink population may seek vengeance against humanity for their meddlesome ways; including possibly infiltrating your neighbourhood disguised as people. Here’s what you should watch out for:
1) Is your neighbour friendlier than usual? This maybe a sign that they’ve been replaced by 47 minks in a suit, acting in a manner they believe humans act. Neighbours are rarely friendly; be vigilant of those who wave at you all of a sudden.
2) Minks are known to be tidy, clean animals. If your neighbour who always lets his green bin blow all over the place suddenly becomes very rubbish-conscious, call the police.
3) Did your neighbour suddenly return the items he borrowed from you during the summer? This could be a classic mink trick, an attempt to get you to invite them inside.
4) Are you finding yourself suddenly attracted to the lady four doors down? Minks are naturally very sexy creatures, and their allure could be emanating from within their hollowed-out-human-carcass disguises.
5) Is the neighbourhood eerily quiet, free from the couple arguing in 15C all the time, and bereft of the lad on the green with the souped-up Honda who sits revving it all day? This could be a sign that you’re the last human left, the newspapers were right, it’s a full-on mink army panic in full effect, and you have mere minutes to ring your loved ones and confess all the bad things you’ve done in life, in the hope that God forgives you.