Number 10 Staff Now Down To Police Man At Door, Cat

BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson is rallying as many allies to himself as he can today following announcements this week that senior advisor Dominc Cummins, communications director Lee Cain, resident pheasant broiler Arthur Wirmbley, the skeletal remains of Margaret Thatcher and the regularly-spotted Downing Street poltergeist known simply as ‘The Dark’ would all be leaving number 10 before the year was out.

“Yes, quite a blow on the staffing front around here at the moment,” mused a subdued Johnson to the Chief Mouser Larry The Cat in his study today, as a bitter internal struggle among the Tories claimed scalp after scalp.

“It’s just you, me and the chap at the front door. Derek, I think his name is. Policeman looking fellow. Well, we mustn’t fret, eh old boy? You’ve got mice to catch, and I’ve got the most complex trade negotiations in the history of the state to pull together in less than a month. How about we share a can of John West and get cracking, eh?”.

Although Larry failed to express any opinion on what had transpired in 10 Downing Street over the last week, sources close to the tabby say that he too may be in the process of finding alternative employment.

“Larry’s been here since 2007, so he’s seen it all unfold,” said a senior Tory, while stuffing as much silverware into his laptop bag as he could.

“He’s suffered through a lot since Cameron brought him back from a rescue shelter, so for him to be packing his bindle stick and fucking off, well, that’d go to show you the disarray the tories are in right now. But like Cummins and Cain, he’s sure to land nose-deep in some cushy private sector job where he can make even more mice, and not have this clownshow unfold around him”.

[UPDATE: Derek has disappeared from the front door, anyone with information about Derek is asked to contact Johnson via the Number 10 Facebook page]