HALLOWEEN 2020, as the media has reminded you at least 47,000 times in the last hour, won’t be the typical Halloween your kids are used to, but here’s how you can still make it the magical holiday the Yanks stole from Samhain and turned into something infinitely more annoying.
Move with your children to Taiwan immediately where they have enjoyed 200 days straight without community transmission of Covid-19 and go trick or treating there.
Make sure your kids blows at least one finger off setting off fireworks. If Covid-19 thinks it can rob your kid of a time honoured right of passage for Irish children, its got another thing coming.
Do you have children under the age of five? Great! Stick them in front of the TV and stick on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and in process pass down the time honoured tradition of Irish parents scarring their children for life.
Wash your children’s trick or treat sweet in between bites. It might seem over the top, but you’ll get to preserve a normal Halloween experience for them, and sanitising sweets and chocolate in between bites is the only way.
Dress up as Covid-19 for Halloween. This won’t help your kids at all but everyone will think you’re an ESB certified gas bastard.
Finally cut the ‘nuts counts as treats’ bullshit, the kids have suffered enough this year.
Spend 18 painstaking hours carefully making an ornate Halloween pumpkin which replicates the movie poster for Ghostbusters and then post a picture of it online claiming you ‘just wanted to keep Halloween specal for the kids’ when in reality you were dying for some likes on Instagram.
Replicate the magic of your child being cornered by older bullies and egged on Halloween by egging the shit out of them yourself. Priceless memories.
Feel they’re missing out by not going door to door trick or treating? Simply hook them up to an IV drip of pure sugar instead.