Donal Skehan’s Homemade Communion Wafer Recipe


A KINDLY gesture from the crown prince of Irish cooking sees Donal Skehan drum up a recipe that’ll prove a literal Godsend to worshippers around the country.

With mass a no-go under Level 5 for the next few weeks and services moving online all except for weddings and funerals, parishioners can avail of Skehan’s handy easier-than-you think recipe for communion wafers. All ingredients are easily found:

Take two teaspoon of flakes of church pew wood and mix them in a bowl with any old parish newsletter (shredded) and leave to one side.

In a blender mix one jar of air from inside local church 750 grams of the driest sandpaper in human existence and one teaspoon of a pre-Covid era cough from that one lad in church who coughs throughout the entire mass.

Add in one litre of water (strictly speaking holy water is best, but own brand or Aldi brand water will do) and blend for 30 seconds.

Now add flakes and newsletter into blender. Spread out contents of blender onto Satan proof grease paper on a baking tray. Flatten with rolling pin until they are same dimensions as communion wafers you see in typical church.

Switch fan-assisted oven onto 200 degrees. Bake for 27 hours. Flipping halfway through. At end of 27 hours double check wafers are dryer than a pub on a proper Good Friday of old.

Still not dry enough? Another 12 hours should do it. In order to raise the spirit of the wafers to their wafer thin holiest sing your favourite hymn into the oven for the last 10 minutes of baking.

Sprinkle on Vatican special edition one hundreds and thousands containing the body of Christ and you’re finished all that’s left now is to place on your tongue and commune with the big fella upstairs.