Covid-19 Reminds Local Man Of Pendulous Set Of Breasts, As Do Most Things


THE ongoing Covid-19 pandemic continues to play out like the jiggling of unblemished skin covering the sumptuous cleavage of a buxom woman as she runs through a meadow, according to Waterford man Cathal McPenning.

“With every news broadcast, all I see are 3D CGI reconstructions of the virus, represented as two glycoprotein-covered diddies, before they cut to a scientist pipetting things from one perfectly round petri dish to another, both side-by-side like when you see down a woman’s blouse when she bends over to tie her lace” said McPenning, who wasn’t breastfed as a child.

“It’s hot. It’s a hot virus”.

McPenning, known for his mammarial fascination that saw him equate a recent call for safety on the roads as ‘booblike’ thanks to the shape of speed signs, went on to state that the number of bald, rounded headed governmental members ‘doesn’t help’ when it comes to concentrating on the news.

“I try to stay focused on NPHET’s health advice, but then I see Tony Holohan standing beside Stephen Donnelly and my mind drifts again” stated McPenning, eyeing up our reporter’s large, supple microphone.

“How can the government expect us to take them seriously when they’re going out of their way to bombard us with such needlessly sexual imagery? This is like when the financial crash happened in 2008; could they not have picked another year for it? Did it have to have an ‘8’ in it, sitting there like a firm pair of DDs in a too-tight bra? Honest to God, like”.

McPenning went on to state that he’s mentally preparing himself for the day when Ireland’s rapidly-increasing number of COVID cases reaches 80,085.