Irish Person Abroad Signs Up For US Military In Bid To Fly Home To Shannon This Christmas

MISSOURI-BASED Waterford man Declan Smithfield’s foolproof plan to piggyback a US Military cargo flight to the Middle East and ‘hop off’ at Shannon Airport during refueling is going smoothly, providing he passes his basic training course at Fort Bragg, WWN can report.

Pre-empting the closure of all Irish airports due to Covid-19 this Christmas, software engineer Smithfield enlisted in the army as a cheap and easy alternative to swimming the Atlantic on his way to spending the festive season in his native Limerick with all his pals.

With Ryanair today announcing the closure of it’s Cork and Shannon bases due to restrictions and many other airlines looking certain to follow suit, it seems the enterprising young expat may have cracked the secret of international travel; providing he can get his sorry ass around this assault course in under three minutes.

“Smithfield you lousy no good son-of-a-bitch, do you want to go on the lash with your fellow Irishmen this Christmas, or do you want to spend it in the one-bedroom flat your company provided for you here in these United States? Well then drop and give me twenty, maggot!” screamed Declan’s drill instructor this morning at 6am.

“Do you want to use our flights to and from disputed detainment centres in the Middle East as a ride to your lousy cuckolded country that we use as our bitch to refuel as and when we want, no questions asked? Then you better quit giving me excuses and get up that motherfuckin’ rope ladder!”.

“Sir, yes sir!” wheezed Smithfield, aware that this treatment is still much better than anything he’s ever had from Ryanair.