Finding A Cave & Hibernating Until This Shit Is All Over, A Guide


TAKING the very blatant hints from the year 2020 that it is, in its final months, still passionate about remaining a hellish write off that pours petrol and lights a match on the last remaining bit of sanity you possess, people are now turning to hibernation as a means to ‘ride this shit out’.

Animals such as bears have perfected the art of a restive winter hibernation, humans are now putting their own spin on things.

Remote forests caves, sea facing caves inaccessible by anything other than a boat, high mountain peaks with hitherto undiscovered caves. Get as far away from this fucking year as is humanly possible and hibernate until your way through this Godforsaken mess.

First its important to mark the territory with your scent by urinating or defecating in the surrounding areas. Thankfully 7 previous months of declaring ‘fuck it’ and adopting a diet more suited to the offspring of a drunken sailor and a world champion competitive eater should have given your bodily omissions a distinctly aggressive and off putting scent. Nobody will disturb you in your lurid hovel of isolated comfort.

Hibernating effectively will require a huge supply of food. Make sure your cave is accessible by most take away delivery drivers. Get in touch with your local council and make sure they give your den/cave/hovel a postcode.

Sleeping during hibernation over the winter months is important, this will reenergise you for when the time comes to emerge, which should be sometime early 2035 at this rate. Make sure your alarm clock has no batteries, and all alarm functions on your phone are removed and thrown into the sea.

Long naps will also help to cut down on the long nights of existential thinking during which you vow, unconvincingly, ‘get your life together’, or even the more achievable aims such as ‘going for a run’.

Bring whatever you deem essential to the cave; comfy PJs, blankets, vibrators, a strong broadband connection to Netflix that would survive a nuclear apocalypse – whatever it is, make sure it goes with you to your cave.

Remember to download the last 10-20 Irish International football games in case you wake up too early.

Make sure your cave has a port for your phone charger, nothing worse than hibernating without access to memes, the football scores and/or scandalous stories about celebrity infidelity.

Hibernation is often characterised by slow breathing, heart-rate, and relying on fat reserves, meaning little change for most people.

Many caves will already be inhabited by knuckle dragging neanderthals, so to remove them, just leave an anti-mask rally sign outside their cave entrance. NOTE; don’t use big words.