Torching Your Pub For The Insurance Money, A Guide

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WITH new restrictions set to shutter the majority of pubs and restaurants across the country once again, business owners have to consider some drastic options to ensure the survival and upkeep of their family unit, with torching their premises now a viable option amid a chronic lack of government supports.

Despite the business being in your family for decades or even centuries in some cases, it is now time to bite the proverbial bullet and resort to cold hard insurance fraud in the hopes of reclaiming whatever net worth your once popular establishment had, so please let us guide you through this awful but essential process:

Starting a fire is easy, staging one is an art form in itself with scrupulous insurance investigators looking for any clause they can find to screw you out of pocket.

Always try get someone else to burn your pub or restaurant down for you; this can be done by not paying the local drug or IRA gang their monthly ‘protection’ money, or simply announce to the local community that the premises is to be converted into a refugee centre – they won’t be long burning it down.

If coaxing other people into doing your dirty work isn’t your bag, it’s now down to you to do the deed. Very important: before starting the fire just double check you’re not with FBD.

Cover your arse – make sure to post something like ‘I would never set my pub on fire for the insurance money in the event of my industry being utterly destroyed’ on Facebook.

Quadruple check the auld lad at the end of the bar hasn’t glued himself to the stool, again.

NOTE: we do not recommend using cigarettes to start your fire due to insurance companies citing the smoking ban and worming their way out of paying you your money in the 6-8 years it takes for them to process your claim in the courts. If you even make it that far with the stress and torment of bully barristers.

Once lit, stare longingly at your whole entire future going up in the flames while the vengeance in your heart burns for the current government and their lack of response, understanding and support.

Alternatively, to help speed up the regeneration of the space you have vacated, toss the keys in with the nearest developer looking for sites to build rip off co-living spaces on. They will have that place leveled in no time.

Remember, you’re doing the public a favour – the virus spreads in pubs unlike any other places, such as schools, meat factories, etcetera, etcetera.

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