Don’t Worry, You’ll Still Be Able To Get Coke This Weekend Despite Garda Seizure


CONCERNS surrounding the cocaine supply in the Dublin area have been declared ‘unfounded’ by dealers looking to calm the market, despite a €3.5 million seizure by Gardaí yesterday afternoon.

“Anyone who’s looking for a bag for themselves or their loved ones should relax; there’s still a substantial reserve of cocaine in the area and our suppliers are already re-upping depleted stocks,” said one Swords dealer we spoke to.

“We anticipate set-backs like this, and our supply chain is robust enough to handle situations like this. In summary, would ye relax the cacks, youse are wrecking me buzz”.

The news comes as a relief to punters across the capital who feared that they would have to suffer through a weekend with only drink, pills and nitrous oxide to carry them through until Monday.

“I’m all for Gardaí cracking down on criminals and criminal behaviour, but I’ve a 40th birthday to go to on Saturday in a gaff and I’d really like just a few bumps for me and the lads,” said one relieved man we spoke to.

“Luckily, the seizure seems to have been from a criminal gang, not the lad I buy my coke from, he’s not exactly what you’d call a drug kingpin, just a lad who deals a bit here and there. So guards, yeah, keep up the good work busting the bad guys, but leave a bit of cocaine for the rest of us who just want to relax and get crazy at the end of a week, you know?”

Customers have also been assured that the methods the cops are using to calculate the street value of “€3.5 million worth of cocaine” are not the prices they’ll be getting charged, don’t worry.