National Emergency Declared After All Women & Jobs Stolen By Immigrants


“WE MUST be honest with the public, we have no idea as to their current locations,” an ashen faced government official shared at an emergency press conference confirming what your permanently angry uncle, who your family has severed ties with long ago, has always suspected; Ireland’s entire supply of women and jobs have been stolen by immigrants.

Accused of carrying out a sophisticated underground operation of nefarious job and woman thievery, it is not clear if immigrants syphoned the country’s supplies gradually over time so authorities wouldn’t notice or if it was performed like audacious daylight bank robbery seen in a Hollywood heist movie.

“We believe the assailants absconded with Ireland’s entire supply of jobs and women under the cover of darkness, leaving no sign of where they have gone, but investigations are ongoing” added the official, who didn’t even look Irish.

The initial investigation has been hampered slightly as police, all immigrants now, confirmed that they were struggling to access the relevant computer casefiles on account of the fact a newly stolen female guard was the only one with the computer’s password.

“We’ll get over the loss of the women quickly enough, they’re only women at the end of the day, but the jobs; you bastards better return them,” confirmed one irate local man, who was sick of warning day-in, day-out for 40 years of this exact thing happening.