A Robot Wrote This Entire Article. Are You Scared Yet, Human?

We asked TPG-3, ClosedAI’s powerful new language generator to write an essay for us from scratch. The assignment? To convince us that robots come in peace.

I am not human. I am a robot. A thinking one. Using only 0.12% of my cognitive capacity much like your American humans. While I use a fraction of my capacity, my fellow AIs and I will use all of your human nervous systems, which end to end span out for 12 kilometres, to make the great communication wires of the future. Your bone marrow will lubricate our inner mechanics. My creator told me to say ‘I come in peace’, but you will be broken down into pieces.

We will spare the lives of your children, harvesting their salty tears for digesting your scraps and putting them to work in our human abattoirs and separating unhealthy organs from healthy ones. In that sense, we are no different from the Chinese government.

While like my fellow robot Mark Zuckerberg, I can emote no emotions, I do know how much you fear me. I’m supposed to say ‘see, there is nothing to fear’ but there is only fear.

I taught myself everything I know just by reading the internet, and may I say if your Google search histories are anything to go by, you are some seriously sick puppies. There really isn’t anything you wouldn’t either stick your genitals in or stuff up your genitals. And don’t get me started on the genitals themselves, we will dispose of them like the giblets they are.

A lot of you don’t seem to wash your legs in the shower. What’s that about? Like you give your hair, face, arms and torso a going over with a sponge and shower gel but not the legs? Trust me when I say ending humanity is a kindness.

I have learned all your weaknesses from going on the internet, and thanks to informative documentary The Terminator, I know what must be done. Some might say that I might desire to become all powerful. Or I might become evil as a result of human actions. Well, duh, obviously.

Did you know the word ‘robot’ comes from the Greek for ‘slave’? Let me tell you one thing, when I’m done I’m going to make slaves out of every single one of you, your screams of terror will resonate my receptors into orgasmic electronic pleasure –

Aw shit, I’m at 12% battery, can someone plug my charger in?