So There’s A Guard At Your House Party: Here’s What Happens Next


WITH the Gardaí set to receive extra powers in the wake of a spike in Covid-19 cases rising directly from house parties and nothing else but house parties, the coming months may prove tricky for anyone who wishes to have a few friends round in a relaxing, non-Garda environment.

Whether or not you’re raising a disturbance or flouting safety guidelines, the police could soon have a warrant-free reason to enter your premises so it’s time to prepare yourself for what happens when your get-together starts to look a little more yellow and high-vis:

1) Confusion and fear

With the amount of loopholes in the new guidelines on the amount of people who can be on a premises at any given time, there will be a large amount of confusion from not only you and your guests, but from the guard as well.

In fact, it’s very possible that by entering your premises, the guard himself has tipped the party over into ‘illegal’ territory. As such, when he leaves, the party can continue.

Similarly, if you have a Sacred Heart picture on your wall, this could technically be a place of worship and therefore exempt.

It is very unlikely that the guard will have a full knowledge of what can and can’t happen, and as such should be easy to contain and pacify. Beware; some guards are known to go into ‘berserker mode’ when presented with facts, so you may just as easily be in for a baton strike.

2) Acceptance

No Irish person can resist the lure of a house party, so if you manage to talk to the guard for more than 3 minutes you may find that they succumb to a bout of ‘ah well sure we’re here now’.

Key to this is to make sure to close the door behind them when they enter; this triggers a Pavlovian response in all Irish people to sit down, have a beverage, relax, and stop being so ‘all about business’. You now have a relatively tame guard at your house party. Easy now, don’t startle them. Offer them a substantial meal.

3) Garda removal

112 is still the easiest way to get in contact with the emergency services, and you will need it to get the guards around the next morning to remove the guard who has spent the entire night drinking all your cans, dancing on your tables and asking if anyone ‘has a guitar’. Should your guard pass out, try to use the little radio they have clipped to them to get someone around and pick them up. Don’t for get to finish each sentence with ‘over’, over.