Trump Exploring All Options To Ensure US Has Freely Unfair Election

PLEDGING TO do his best to make the upcoming presidential election as far from ‘free and fair’ as possible, US president Donald Trump confirmed in an interview with Fox News that he plans on withholding funding from the US Postal Service as doing so will prevent millions of people’s mail-in votes from being processed and counted.

“The Democrats will rig this election!!!” Trump tweeted, doing that thing he does where he accuses someone else of the very thing he himself is definitely guilty of.

“Joe Biden has erotic dreams about my daughter,” Trump tweeted, doing it again.

Trump is said to be toying with mounting more legal challenges across numerous states aimed at implementing more robust voter ID laws which will see minorities having to turn up to polling stations during a pandemic to be denied their right to vote on the basis of their skin colour in person.

“Can you believe they actually think they deserve the vote? This is America; the land of no opportunity and know your place, boy. Vote? They won’t be able to do anything once I’ve this thing rigged” confirmed Trump, again saying the quiet part very loudly.

The White House later issued a statement to confirm they’re watching the recent troubling situations in Lebanon, Belarus and Hong Kong unfold and furiously taking notes.

“Shit we’re catching some heat on this whole rigging the election shit time for another distraction,” added a very White House spokesperson, explaining why the administration has been pushing the overtly racist ‘is Kamala Harris even American though?’ angle nonstop.

“Sure, call us ‘racist’, ‘anti-democracy’, ‘criminals’, ‘fascists’ all you want, boo hoo but hey, noticed how you’re not talking about the 167,000 Covid-19 deaths? We win again losers,” concluded the spokesperson before setting fire to some ballots.