IT’S the moment struggling businesses, people and microorganisms have been waiting for, today marks the unveiling of the Irish government’s comprehensive mutli-billion ‘July stimulus’ package aimed at supporting and reinvigorating the Irish economy and society at large.
Coming a full 23 days into the month of July, the quick acting coalition government has bowled the nation over with its swift response but just what is contained in the package? After the government basically leaked it all to the media, WWN can reveal the highlights:
The public will be offered the ‘staycation voucher’ OR the contents of this mystery box… oooh.
The €250 staycation voucher will rise to €750 for anyone willing to visit Leitrim.
Unrelated to the voucher scheme, Ireland’s hotel prices have increased by €250 overnight.
An extension of the Temporary Wage Subsidy Scheme has been confirmed as has the introduction of the Temporary Rage Scheme, which will help fund people who love arguing with strangers online about covid-19.
Everyone named Sean to be given €50 each to help the Sean-based economy bounce back.
Various low cost loans and grants will be made available to SME businesses with a beaming Taoiseach declaring “And I think you’ll find all this is completely corruption proof”.
The government has also confirmed it must consult with large multi-nationals first before being told what generous tax breaks and grants it will give them.
Keenly aware young people have been disproportionately affected by job losses, the government will look into making year long unpaid internships the norm, with a special focus on excluding anyone who isn’t from a middle class family in a city.
Gimmicks – there will be a huge budget for gimmicky buzzwords that ultimately mean nothing. If funding is secured, the government will get permission to unveil nonsensical words like ‘Re-covid-ery’.
With industries and livelihoods decimated by the economic fallout from the global pandemic, the government will also spend heavily on adverts that just grind the public down and get them to accept a much more impoverished future with little or no hope.
Green Investment will be prioritised, with everyone in the country given one free country walk per day.
The struggling third level education sector is to get a funding boost, with the government pledging to have all Irish university places taken up entirely by rich foreign students paying extortionate fees.
The government rejected the suggestion ‘instead of all this, you could just scrap the USC’ and could not rule out taking anyone repeating this suggestion outside and shooting them.