Martin To Reintroduce Celtic Tigers To Ireland After Securing EU Recovery Money
TAKING the €750 billion EU recovery fund as his ‘green light’ Taoiseach Micheál Martin has announced the first initiative which could truly stimulate the Irish economy; the reintroduction of the once extinct native Celtic Tigers back into Ireland.
Taking a leaf from Eamon Ryan’s book Fianna Fáil leader Martin feels Ireland’s ecology could still benefit from majestic Celtic Tigers freely roaming around urban areas again in the same nonchalant fashion as city-dwelling foxes.
DNA garnered from the remains of the last known Celtic Tiger have already been ‘genetically fused’ with the hair of Johnny Ronan, an old 100% mortgage application leaflet and the scrapings from a brick on the site of the old Anglo Irish Bank HQ.
“Go forth my pretties, and use ‘saving the economy’ as your pretext for carving up all before you, grease whatever wheels you feel you need to in order to get a deal ‘over the line'” said one government appointed mad scientist as he opened the locks on Celtic Tiger cages.
“God, that intoxicating scent the fur gives out is unmistakable – , you’ll all be buying apartments in Bulgaria again in no time,” confirmed the Taoiseach.
Reacting to the criticism that Ireland’s tax haven status, ludicrous claim of having ‘full employment’ for several years and the presence of multinationals bloating Ireland’s GDP figures will combine to make it much harder for Ireland to qualify for any of the €390 billion in EU grants on offer, a Fianna Fáil spokesperson stated that “when my party sees a loop it never fails to sniff out a hole, we’ll make it work one way or another…for our lot at least”.